


Awakening

by Ceddrwyn



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-10
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:34:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25821466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ceddrwyn/pseuds/Ceddrwyn
Summary: Castiel realizes he's in love with his best friend.Set after the events of Season 5 Episode 18 'Point of no Return'.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester
Kudos: 1





	Awakening

> He stood alone, staring into the haunted crevasse commonly referred to as an alley. It was mostly quiet, no one was driving on the street adjacent to his location at this time of night and except for the irregular sounds of the few nocturnal animals that made the city their home, it was serene. Not that Castiel noticed.
> 
> Unbidden thoughts flashed through his mind, demanding his complete attention. His hands, or actually, the hands of his human vessel, Jimmy Novak, were currently relaxed and clean but Castiel did not feel either reality.
> 
> His stomach twisted as his thoughts, memories really, continued to plague him. It was a strange sensation as he lacked the physical needs that Jimmy had had to deal with. He simply never had a reason to think of the organ that was currently raging with heat and a sharp, feral stabbing.
> 
> But the sensations from his torso had nothing on the guilt that assaulted him. He couldn't remember being so angry, the need to make Dean aware of how he felt had taken over and he had hurt the one person he never wanted to hurt.
> 
> Aggression was not a new concept for him. He was a warrior of God, chosen to fight alongside his brothers and sisters for eons in whatever mission was requested of them. He was used to the sensation of ripping flesh and blood pooling at his feet, or the equivalent as the fight was not always against humans.
> 
> He never questioned his orders, never questioned the actions necessary to follow his father's will. Never in immeasurable time, until he met Dean Winchester. What exactly caused Castiel to give up so much for one his siblings considered insignificant? So many wondered the answer to that very question.
> 
> For Castiel, it was simple. His father created humans with all their frailties and basic needs out of love. He wanted someone to love him unconditionally.
> 
> Castiel had always obeyed his father, but he was a warrior, a messenger assigned to whatever purpose his superiors deigned at the moment. Angels weren't supposed to love, emotions considered the path to doubt and rebellion. He lacked the simple freedom to choose how to feel about his father, anyone or anything, to choose his path. Or, at least, that is what he had always been told.
> 
> Only in creating something so weak, so needy as humans could true strength be found. Humanity had the potential for such beauty, virtue and love, especially love. However, with the potential of greatness and magnificence, came the equal potential for hatred and true evil. 
> 
> Castiel had seen so many examples of depravity and corruption in the simple beings that often had an overinflated ego and a ridiculous sense of their own importance. Rarely during the few millennia they had existed had any stood out, calling to the true power and hope of their creation. Dean Winchester was one of those rare few.
> 
> Castiel couldn't stop the small smile that transformed his face. He was all too aware that Dean would argue against that assessment. From the moment he had met the remarkable human, he saw how filled with self loathing and revulsion his friend was. He didn't know if Dean had always carried that view of himself or if it was newly formed because of his imposed time in hell.
> 
> He wondered just what Dean would think if he knew Castiel saw him as the pinnacle of humanity. He could have chosen to wallow in his perceived shredded humanity, allowing it to justify horrendous actions. Castiel had seen it happen so many times and he felt pity for the poor soul that felt isolated, believing they had no choice but to continue in the muck and ruin of their life.
> 
> But not Dean. No, that irritating, stubborn man simply refused to allow such horrors to truly change him. He choose to be better, had pity on those who could not.
> 
> He thought he lost his humanity but Castiel saw him as the purest example of it.
> 
> How anyone could consider Dean Winchester insignificant was absurd. He was unapologetically reckless and fool hearty at times, even vulgar but never insignificant. Castiel would always consider himself lucky to have met him.
> 
> It was an opinion he knew the host of heaven didn't share. Zachariah had referred to humans set aside as vessels as mere meat suits; worthless except for the value placed on them as receptacles for their superiority. The arrogance in that viewpoint offended him. He was grateful to Jimmy for the gift of his physicality. He knew that Jimmy was in heaven now, the vessel he continued to use empty of that virtuous man. That fact didn't lessen his gratitude.
> 
> The latest creations of his father deserved his respect and loyalty. His siblings should have learned that after what happened to the chief among them, Lucifer. Wasn't his punishment a direct result of his arrogance and refusal to concede to their father's command.
> 
> Why couldn't Dean see how idiotic it was to agree to Michael's proposition. Castiel knew his warrior brother was not as crass as Zachariah, but he did not see Dean as he was. He would not care about the loss of that penitent man. He simply could not see him as Castiel did.
> 
> A sudden flare of anger filled him as he remembered what Dean had done to bring on his earlier rage. Castiel only ever wanted to protect him, that is why he showed him the blood sigil in the first place. To have Dean throw that back in his face, to use it against him hurt worse than the agony inflicted on him by the activation of the sigil. 
> 
> Why didn't Dean trust him, couldn't he see how Castiel only wanted what was best for him.
> 
> Castiel snapped back to reality with that thought. Without intention, he had moved closer to the brick wall where he had thrown Dean earlier. Even now he could sense the blood and torn flesh that had made themselves one with the wall. How could Castiel honestly expect Dean to trust him when he didn't even trust himself?
> 
> Trustworthy or not, he still needed to help his friend. Dean didn't see that Bobby, Sam and Castiel only wanted to protect him. That, to become nothing more than Michael's vessel would steal this amazing man from the world. The world couldn't stand to lose him and neither could Castiel. The thought of Micheal parading around in Dean's body, suffocating his soul, impeding his, will hurt Castiel in a way nothing else ever had.
> 
> He couldn't lose Dean. His stubborn resilient existence was necessary to Castiel. Never since his creation had Castiel met someone who irritated him so, who inspired him, that he found himself helpless not to love.
> 
> _ What?! _
> 
> He repeated his thoughts and found himself unable to deny the truth he had so honestly admitted. It was a harsh realization, he was in love with his best friend.  _ I'm in love with Dean Winchester. _
> 
> He didn't dare say it out loud, he had no idea who could be listening, who could use it against him.
> 
> He didn't know what to do. He couldn't tell anyone, there was no one he trusted. Of course he trusted Dean and Sam but he could never tell them the truth. He would lose them, lose their friendship.
> 
> _ I could walk away. _
> 
> _ No! _ The thought of leaving Dean or losing him hurt deeper and burned hotter than any angel blade. And to lose Dean was to lose Sam who Castiel truly saw as a brother, no matter what dark path he currently was on.
> 
> He couldn't even tell God, wherever he was. God might be sympathetic at first… possibly. Wasn't it his charge for his children to love humans, to serve them.
> 
> No, Castiel knew this wasn't what he meant. He would find no repreive in the embrace of his father.
> 
> Castiel was alone… utterly and truly alone. It was not a reality he relished.
> 
> Even when he rebelled against heaven, betrayed his brothers and sisters, he did not know this bitter cold that flowed through his essence and threatened to steal his lucidity.
> 
> The one person he longed to talk to, he knew could never know… he could never tell him.
> 
> He offered up one low word, "Dean."
> 
> Whether it was a prayer, a curse or merely acceptance, he didn't know.
> 
> "What am I going to do?"


End file.
